How I spent my Halloween
7:00 PM: Bought fourteen bags of candy. Not one trick-or-treater showed up, so tried to feed all fourteen bags of candy to my collection of NASCAR driver figurines. They were not appreciative. Not everything can be SKOAL flavored, Jimmie Johnson.
7:01 PM: Ate fourteen bags of candy.
7:20 PM: Go to the hospital for my annual stomach pumping due to over-consumption of tiny candies. Nurses nickname me Jewy McTwixalot. Fourteen-year-old kid in bed next to mine thinks he’s soooooo much cooler than me because he’s there for drinking too much Jäger. Grow upset when I realize he is.
7:30 PM: Go home, create costume by writing words on a poster board and taping it to my shirt. This takes 47 minutes because I am unskilled an artiste.
8:17 PM: Drive to party in rented Saturn from 1996. When party-goers see the Saturn pull up to the front of the house, they think it’s part of my costume. It is not. I regularly drive a rented Saturn from 1996.
8:18 PM: Drink first beer of the evening.
8:19 PM: Cute girl dressed as Minnie Mouse makes fun of my costume.
8:20 PM: Drink beers 2-13.
8:30 PM: Give Minnie Mouse a piece of my mind.
8:31 PM: Minnie Mouse makes fun of my costume (again), my face, the way I speak and calls me a racist. Then she gives me her number. Women are confusing.
8:32 PM: Having spoken to one girl and consumed 13 beers, I declare the evening a success and walk home in a zig-zag pattern as if I’m trying to avoid enemy fire.
7:59 AM: Arrive home and pass out on the bathroom floor.
