Sharing Time!

True love

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 09:00:06 -0700

“Hey baby,” I said. “What’re you doing?”

“Umm, I’m having Valentine’s Day lunch with my boyfriend, asshole,” she said.

“Yeah, who the fuck are you?” the dude with a million muscles said.

“I’m Lee,” I said. “And I’m here to steal your girlfriend.”

They both laughed. I did not laugh. I knew I would be the one laughing soon!!!

“This is no joke. She’s caught my eye and now I will steal her from you.”

“With what?” he said, winking at his girlfriend. “Your big muscles, tough guy?”

That’s when the net I attached to the ceiling fell on top of her. No one was laughing then. Except for me. I was laughing.

“I’ve kidnapped you!” I said. “You’re my Valentine now! You will love me and no one else!”

I began clapping and crying at the same time, tears of joy pouring down my face as I finally felt the warm embrace of love surround me, erasing years and years of loneliness. This was the happiest I’d ever been.

And all it took was a $25 net and some tape to get it on the ceiling. Why hadn’t I done this sooner?!

“Bro, you have bested me,” he said, and bowed.

“I know,” I said.

The girl who was in my net began crying tears of happiness. Then she began to speak. Everyone in the restaurant shut up because they knew they were about to hear some big news.

“First when you put me in this net, I was like, ‘Oh Jesus, I’m trapped in a huge net and this psycho’s trying to abduct me.’ But then I felt the warmth of the net and thought about the time and effort you put into taping it to the ceiling, and now I feel nothing but love for you.”

“Wait, you love me? I think this is moving too fast,” I said.

“Huh?”

I knew what I had to do.

“Baby, I hate to do this to you on Valentine’s Day, but I think we have to break up.”

She began crying again, but this time they were SAD tears.

“WHY? WHY? WHY?”

“That’s the way the bough breaks, sugarcakes,” I said, coining a new phrase accidentally, but mostly on purpose.

Audio

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 15:45:10 -0700

Dear Everyone,

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 12:37:02 -0700

No. No, I will not watch your stuff. You will gather up your laptop and your gym bag and you will take it into the bathroom like a goddamn adult.

Love,
Lee

Guys, just got this news that will blow your mind. Adele was actually singing about this hamburger...

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 22:27:00 -0700

Guys, just got this news that will blow your mind. Adele was actually singing about this hamburger she didn’t have time to eat in “Someone Like You.” Makes the song even more sad, if you ask me. :(

Liveblogging the 2011 romcom Something Borrowed starring Kate Hudson and Ginnifer Goodwin, which is now showing on HBO

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 11:20:01 -0700

Draaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaa
John Kransinski says something adorrrrableeeeeee
Moe draaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaa
THIS HOT GUY IS SHIRTLESS
Kate Hudson’s character is unexpectedly eaten alive by hungry cannibal warlords, but she’s wearing this totally cute dress that I think I saw on Rue La La and didn’t buy because I’m an IDIOT, but this cannibal scene is really intense and it almost feels like it’s from another movie, but whatever, her dress is cute
All the love in the world dies
Someone gets married

Momma said knock you out

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 15:00:30 -0700

Dear Thirtysomething Moms Laughing Uproariously In This Diner,

I know this is your first time out without your newborn in three months, but your excitement and laughter over Mom Stuff while you eat an egg white omelet is cramping everyone else’s style. I know your kid can’t talk yet and your husband tunes you out when you talk about how yoga went today, but please, for the love of all that is good and holy, stop fake laughing so loud. None of what you’re saying about your infant’s eating habits is remotely funny, let alone something that would cause your friends to slap the table and make your half-caf lattes rattle in their saucers.

Also, when your kids turn eight, they will hate you with the passion of a thousand fiery SONS. Now I’M fake laughing…and it feels glorious!!!!

Yours in Activia,
Lee

It's actually closer to 2ft

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 21:07:35 -0700

I think I’m growing up, because tonight I hung out with some ladies who work for a condom company and was able to restrain myself by telling only one dick joke the entire evening. I’d like to share it with you.

“Do you guys have the capacity to create an extra, extra-large condom?” I asked. “Something like 5ft tall and super wide? I think it’d make a hilarious award for a contest.”

“No,” they said, smiling.

“Ok, because I’d be willing to serve as the mold for it.”

“Oh,” one of them said. “Like, we’d make a full body mold of you?”

“No,” I said. “Not of my body.”

GET IT? IT’S BECAUSE MY PENIS IS SIX FEET TALL!!!!

Subtext

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 08:53:44 -0700

Me: I've crafted this text for hours and it is so genius it will make you fall in love with me.
(three hours pass)
Her: I took three hours to reply to this. The only reason I replied at all is to let you know I received it and so you don't think I'm a cold bitch who ignores things. The only real feeling I have towards you is indifference.
Me: I'm sending you another text five seconds after you replied. This is the one you're really going to love.
Her: I'm not replying to this at all. I don't care if you think I'm a cold bitch at this point. These texts have to stop.
Me: Can't tell if you liked those last texts or if they never got to you because AT&T has such an unreliable network, so I'm going to wait at least three days before I text you anything else. This text doesn't count.
(ten minutes pass)
Me: Sorry about those other three texts. Those were shit. Here's the goods. Bet you didn't regret giving me your phone number after you read that!
Her: I hope your phone crashes and you lose my number.
Me: I really should impale myself on my phone at this point, but I'm going to try one last text chock full of bon mots. This is your last chance to recognize how much you love me and not that dude you're casually dating who is 6'4", drives a Ferrari, and probably is funnier than me without trying because everything anyone says in a Ferrari is automatically funny and charming.
Her: That was mildly funny. Gotta go, this tall dude wants me to give him another beej now, and I gotta warm up my jaw.
Me: Cool, I'll keep texting you genius-level hilarity for the next few months.

Anything*

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 20:27:44 -0700

“If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.”

- Marilyn Monroe

“Considering Marilyn Monroe’s relationships were with an athlete and the dude who wrote Death of a Salesman, apparently that doesn’t include sex.”

- amateur historian

Sometimes I take a picture of my dick using Instagram just to see what it would look like if my...

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 09:00:05 -0700

Sometimes I take a picture of my dick using Instagram just to see what it would look like if my genitals time-traveled to 1945.

NEW YORK, NY (Associated Media) — An outbreak of herpes struck the entire New York Giants team...

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 20:06:00 -0700

NEW YORK, NY (Associated Media) — An outbreak of herpes struck the entire New York Giants team after all the players kissed the Lombardi Trophy. It is unknown if all the players already had herpes before they kissed the trophy.

Super Bowl party!

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 13:12:35 -0700

Having a Super Bowl party this year. It’s the same as always: me, alone in my home, drinking cans of expired Four Loko, eating buckets of fried chicken from Kennedy Fried Chicken that I’ve airlifted in overnight from one of New York City’s poorest neighborhoods, watching NBC’s hours of pre-game coverage featuring the stars of NBC’s newest shows that no one will ever watch, and then passing out in a lump of sadness and high blood pressure before the game starts, my face nestled in a pile of chicken skin, my cheeks tinted with artificially flavored berry drink.

Drinking coffee from this is making me so wired I feel high. Oh...

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 11:56:08 -0700

Drinking coffee from this is making me so wired I feel high. Oh look, a space horse!

Now THAT'S a deal

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 10:59:00 -0700

NEW YORK, NY (Associated Media) — Tumblr, Inc. has announced today that for one dollar, users can promote their posts on the social media giant. For two dollars, they can promote two posts with a variety of branded signifiers. And for three dollars, Tumblr founder David Karp will visit a users home within the continental US and give them a short, intense backrub.

I’m glad dudes send me emails with that pompous “Sent from my iPad” signature at...

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 21:27:00 -0700

I’m glad dudes send me emails with that pompous “Sent from my iPad” signature at the bottom, because it lets me know that they enjoy sending correspondence sans pants from their bed while their girlfriends lay next to them and pretend to read a Margaret Atwood novel, though she’s really just wondering if she’s remembering right that the last time they had sex was over New Years, and when is he going to tire of looking things up on Wikipedia on that thing, it’s just a smaller version of a goddamn laptop for the sake of Christ.

Sent from my iPad

I struggled to get through the first half of this. Then I burned...

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 09:00:06 -0700

I struggled to get through the first half of this. Then I burned through a big chunk, got stuck again, and was so horrified by a plot twist near the end that I was determined to dislike the rest. And yet, ten pages later I read a paragraph so fucking beautiful that it made reading the whole thing worth it.

As I turned the last page of the book, I almost cried. It surprised me. I wasn’t reading anything particularly sad. But I didn’t! Then as I was typing this, the tears came. Not a tear. A bunch of ‘em.

It was because I remembered an anecdote about a family friend that I hadn’t thought about in years. Some background: the family friend was a voracious reader, in addition to being a mom and a wife. Sweet lady.

Anyways, the anecdote was this: on getting a book from the library/bookstore, she would immediately skip to the last page and read the last paragraph. She shared this bit of info with people. I never got why. I love having a story unfold in front of my eyes. I love not knowing about a book before diving into it. Why potentially ruin the book for yourself? Why do that? Just read the stupid thing!

She ended up dying of cancer a few years after the anecdote was told to me. She was young, still in her 40s. I guess the crying was a reaction to linking those two pieces of information together in my brain…the woman who read the last page of a book before she even started the damn thing is also the same woman who died of cancer at a young age.

So that’s what I thought about as I read the last page. That because this book was released long after she died, she wasn’t able to read its last page. But here I am, still relatively young, and soaking up every word.

And I had the distinct luxury of reading the whole goddamn book before I did.

First of all, that’s the book title of the year. I...

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 09:00:05 -0700

First of all, that’s the book title of the year. I don’t see how anything can be more perfect than that.

Secondly, the novel is as bleak as the title portends.

Thirdly, it’s fucking funny.

Fourthly, if you’re a Jew, you should read this.

Fifthly, if you’re not a Jew, but often think about the nature of life, death, memory, and hope, you should probably read this too.

Fair warning: when I wrote earlier about it being bleak? Don’t say I didn’t warn you. But it’s worth it. And should give you plenty to think about when you’re done.

Magic!

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 10:54:00 -0700

I’m on an Amtrak train with free WiFi. In the pantheon of cool places to have WiFi, it’s not as cool as having WiFi on a plane, but it’s much cooler than being forced to stare out the window of an Amtrak train and seeing New Jersey.

There’s a businessman in his mid-60s sitting next to me typing on an HP laptop with a screen so large it was once used as the Jumbotron in Shea Stadium. He’s using an actual mouse. I wonder if he knows he has a touchpad. Ok, that’s neither here nor there.

Louis C.K. has that famous bit where he talks about a dude next to him on a plane complaining about the slow WiFi. Louis berates him for being a privileged asshole. I laugh at that bit because I identified with the privileged asshole.

But today? Today, the roles were switched.

The old businessman turned to me:

“Is it just me or is this Internet slow?” he asked, smiling. He put his hands up in the air as if to say, “Why me? Why am I cursed with the wonder of the Internet on this godforsaken train?”

I took off my headphones.

“It’s not bad. It’s free internet. On a train,” I said, and smiled back.

He turned back to his computer shaking his head.

It felt so good I had to say it again.

“The internet! On a train!”

He didn’t turn back to look at me when I said it a second time, but he must’ve known I was smiling when I said it.

I don’t what it is about Daniel Kitson, but I smile like...

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 07:52:17 -0700

I don’t what it is about Daniel Kitson, but I smile like I’m hopped up on pills whenever he speaks. He’s got a way with words, and in his new show that runs for another few days in Brooklyn, he puts them all to magnificent use.

The last few shows are probably sold out, but it’d be worth your time to stand outside in the rain like an old lady did last night, asking if anyone had an extra ticket. Unless you were that old lady and you’re reading this, in which case, I hope you got in.

(photo by Pavel Antonov)

“Now whenever my girlfriend screams another man’s...

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 11:01:50 -0700

“Now whenever my girlfriend screams another man’s name in her dreams, I can barely hear it!”