Sharing Time!

Because I’m too mentally exhausted these days to write...

Fri, 18 May 2012 11:20:21 -0600

Because I’m too mentally exhausted these days to write anything funny, here’s a video of me shooting machine guns.

After reading almost every story in this collection, I paused...

Wed, 16 May 2012 14:03:01 -0600

After reading almost every story in this collection, I paused and said to myself, “Fuuuuuuuuuck.” It was a good kind of fuck. Ahem. What I’m trying to say is that these stories will knock you on your ass in a positive way and make you wonder why all books can’t pack a similar punch. Also, it is very Jewy, in case the title didn’t tip you off.

And even if you’re not into Jews, it’s still certainly worth reading.

So this weekend was mad boring. Just shootin’ machine guns...

Mon, 14 May 2012 14:14:35 -0600

So this weekend was mad boring. Just shootin’ machine guns and shit.

This is a video of me pretending to be a car salesman, but for...

Tue, 08 May 2012 15:26:03 -0600

This is a video of me pretending to be a car salesman, but for hot dogs. My job paid me to make this. I have a weird job.

Describing this video to you won’t help it make more sense. You should just watch it. It’s pretty funny.

Boulder, Colorado. May 4, 2012. A man tries out his new camera...

Tue, 08 May 2012 13:18:55 -0600

Boulder, Colorado. May 4, 2012. A man tries out his new camera whilst also trying to be artsy. I think I succeeded in trying out my new camera.

An admission before I get into what I thought of the book:...

Tue, 08 May 2012 08:51:34 -0600

An admission before I get into what I thought of the book: Moshe’s easily one of my favorite stand-up comedians working today. Like, up there with Aziz and Louie.

So when I sat down to read the book, I expected it to be funny. Darkly funny, obviously, as reading about a minor destroy his brain and body with drugs/booze isn’t exactly rich with comedic potential. Still, I thought it’d be funny. And, don’t get me wrong, there are funny moments. But mostly this is reading a story where you’re sure the main character can’t possibly fuck up his life anymore, and then he does. It’s sad. It’s really fucking sad.

And then all of a sudden it isn’t. He pulls himself out of the mess he’s created and our hero seems to have matured into a successful human being. And despite the happy ending (what happens to him in the last chapter feels like something out of a screenplay), I don’t know if I can recommend this. I read it because I’m a fan and I knew it’d give me some insight into his personality, and because I thought it’d provide a few laughs. But for people looking to read something before they go to bed? I’m not sure this is your book.

Unless you’re cool with nightmares.

"He sounds happiest over the neon power pop of ‘Heavy Metal Drummer,’ on which he..."

Thu, 03 May 2012 16:34:58 -0600

“He sounds happiest over the neon power pop of ‘Heavy Metal Drummer,’ on which he reminisces about carefree teenage summers. It’s crucial that the album’s most direct track looks backwards. There’s the shield of time to mute real feeling; nostalgia works as distortion, making the colors brighter, emphasizing the happy. Elsewhere, when he tries to put words to the idea of what clarity might look like in the now, the result is impressionistic nonsense. ‘Ashes of American Flags,’ for example, lumbers in a head-achey haze until a gorgeous bridge where Tweedy attempts, wooden-tonguedly, to envision serenity: ‘I want a good life / and a nose for things.’”

- this write-up of one of my favorite albums of all time pretty much nails it

“There’s the shield of time to mute real feeling; nostalgia works as distortion…” Can this guy be my therapist?

I would like to hang this joke on my refrigerator

Thu, 03 May 2012 13:06:18 -0600

I wrote a joke for work the other day that I enjoyed so much I want to share it with you. Please note: this will not be funny if you’re not familiar with Boulder, Colorado.

“The store’s overstocked with climbing gear so as to be ‘tailored for the Boulder market’ (who are unsurprisingly passionate about a sport where they can literally look down on everyone)…”

See? Wasn’t that fun? Ok, back to jokes about my dick.

There aren't enough lifetimes left

Thu, 03 May 2012 09:24:45 -0600

When I die, I want my coffin to have a TV in it that plays all the movies I never got to watch from my Netflix queue.

America’s new slogan!

Wed, 02 May 2012 14:46:47 -0600

America’s new slogan!

Keep love alive

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 19:52:40 -0600

SCENE: 4am, my bed
Me: Are you awake?
Her: I am now.
Me: I can't sleep.
Her: I'm sorry. Here's the thing: I can sleep. So I'm going back to bed.
Me: No! One thing!
Her: What?
Me: Do you love me?
Her: Why are you asking me this now?
Me: Because I need to know. Do you love me?
Her: I don't know, we haven't been together that long.
Me: You don't know? So you COULD love me, but it's just too early to tell?
Her: Yeah, something like that.
Me: Oh weird, your phone's vibrating.
Her: Are you sending me a text?
Me: I don't know what you're referring to.
Her: The text is from you, and it says, "Because I love YOU!"
Me: WEIRD!
Her: Hmm.
Me: What?
Her: I just got a text from Charlie.
Me: Charlie? Your ex-boyfriend Charlie?
Her: Yeah, he wants to get back together. I gotta run.
Me: It's 4 in the morning! *pause* I guess Charles IS in charge of our days and our nights.
Her: I won't say that this is the reason I'm leaving you, but I will say it's one of them.

On cheating

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 19:37:34 -0600

Me: I got you flowers!
Her: Why?
Me: Because they're pretty. And I think you're pretty.
Her: Oh Jesus. You fucked someone while you were in LA! You cheated on me, huh? Is that what happened?
Me: I did not!
Her: You totally did. You NEVER get me flowers. I think the last time you bought me some was when I took your virginity last year. I believe you said, "You deserve these flowers for deflowering me" and then started to cry.
Me: Whatever. It wasn't my finest moment.
Her: You cried for about an hour.
Me: Moment, moments. We're splitting hairs.
Her: So you're swearing that you didn't fuck someone? I don't care if you did. I've cheated on you before, so I can't blame you.
Me: You WHAT?
Her: I said I've cheated on you before, and I'll do it again.
Me: Hmm. Ok, then yeah. I didn't get you flowers because you're pretty. I got them because I felt bad that I cheated on you.
Her: Fine. What was her name?
Me: Suzy.
Her: Just Suzy?
Me: Suzy Floozy.
Her: Her name was Suzy Floozy? You had sex with someone who was a literal Floozy?
Me: I GOT YOU THE FLOWERS BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE PRETTY AND YOU NEED TO STOP QUESTIONING ME.
Her: Jesus, you're crying again.
Me: I was just thinking about how beautiful it was when you deflowered me.

Dancing about architecture/stand-up

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 18:44:02 -0600

I was pacing outside the bizarro retail shop/stand-up venue during the show last night, wondering what would happen if I told the lovely and talented producers that I couldn’t perform. I could get back on the plane and worry about how to explain my mental breakdown to everyone I’d told I would be performing later. Fuck, I’d been working on this 9 minutes of material for the last month. I was ready, wasn’t I?

Actually, I had no opening line. I came up with it outside the theater and struggled to memorize it while listening to other comics say funny things.

When I got on stage, I found I wasn’t nervous. I finally felt ready. I said the first half of the opening line, and it got a laugh. Huh? Why are they laughing? Oh right, because I was saying it in a funny way. A way I hadn’t practiced or thought of until just that moment. It was like my brain knew what to do. I just needed to let go and let God. Err, is there an atheist way of saying that? I needed to let go and let brain.

I let that body part encased in my skull take over, and it knew what to do. It was embellishing jokes I’d written months ago that I was so sick of practicing, but they all of a sudden became brand new when I gave a certain look. The material came alive again. HOW ABOUT THAT?

It was a HOW ABOUT THAT? kind of night.

I'm doing stand-up tonight in LA!

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 12:39:11 -0600

Hey everybody. I’ve worked pretty hard the past few weeks on writing a longish set of stand-up material (90% of which HAS NEVER BEFORE BEEN BLOGGED), so if you like reading this blog, you will likely enjoy it. There are also professional comedypeople performing in this show as well, and they will be delightful.

Here’s the deets:

Vlad the Retailer

8pm

Comedy

$5 (free wine/beer!)

Live Petting Zoo*

*Live Petting Zoo may not be operational by the time the show starts, as I don’t know how hard it will be to break into the LA Zoo. If it’s hard, expect no animals. If it’s easy, there might be a lion. Or two lions.

So far my LA trip has been good. Last night I had a grilled...

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 09:41:17 -0600

So far my LA trip has been good. Last night I had a grilled cheese at 12:45am from In-N-Out. This was the bag.

Creepin' it up with Airbnb

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 19:16:33 -0600

I’m headed to LA tonight, and tomorrow morning I’m staying in someone’s apartment using Airbnb. Here are the creepy things I will say tomorrow morning to the very nice woman whose apartment I’ll be sleeping in for the next few nights:

“I’m sleeping in your bed, so we might as well do it already, right?”

“NEWT 2012! NEWT 2012! Can I have the keys to your apartment now?”

“Don’t worry, my girlfriend is the only one staying with me. Unless I get her pregnant and then there’ll be another guest. And then it’s transvaginal ultrasound time, am I right?! You should join us for that.”

“Wow, your place is so beautiful I don’t even want to set it on fire. I guess therapy’s working!”

*points to table* “This is definitely going to be the fuck table. What’s a fuck table? Oh, every jew orgy’s gotta have a fuck table. The suck table’ll be across the room. We like to do our sex acts in separate places to keep everything kosher, you know? Otherwise it’s just a regular orgy, and nobody wants that.”

I just vote from the heart, personally

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 16:45:00 -0600

Standing at a bus stop today, I was asked by a professionally dressed young woman if I was on my way to the Obama rally in town too. When it became clear she was not hitting on me and genuinely wanted to know, I walked away. Not really. I told her I wasn’t going, but I asked her if she knew what he would be speaking about.

After two minutes of vague phrases like, “He’s talking about being against student debt” (hate those politicians who want everyone to be in debt!) and, “He’s very active on twitter and Facebook because that’s where the young people are”, it was clear she had no idea what his policy on student debt was, nor why he was coming to speak about it.

If a girl who is excited enough about a President to spend her afternoon watching him speak and yet knows nothing about his position (Googling for literally two seconds lets you know he wants to freeze interest rates on student loans), then we are fucked.

Just kidding, we’ve been fucked for a while.

I've been thinking a lot about the Chipmunks today

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 14:05:00 -0600

Love is being tied to an uncomfortable chair with your eyes forced open as Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked plays on an infinite loop. Whenever you get up for a bathroom break, you’re forced to wear headphones that blare the soundtrack to Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. Let me remind you that this album features the hit song, “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” performed by The Chipettes.

I haven’t yet figured out how the original Alvin and the Chipmunks fits into my love metaphor, but love is also probably like having three animated chipmunks gleefully chew off your genitals whilst singing a Katy Perry song.

How I found my prom date way back when

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 17:46:04 -0600

SCENE: a high school in suburbia in the '90s
Me: Hey, Jen. Will you go to prom with me?
Jen: Sorry, I'm going with my new boyfriend.
Me: Oh, I didn't hear you were dating anyone. He's that guy with the earrings, right?
Jen: Yes.
Me: I can't compete with that.
Jen: No. No you cannot.
Me: Any chance you guys will be breaking up soon?
Jen: I don't think so, what with his earrings and all. He looks pretty cool.
Me: I was thinking about getting a belly ring.
Jen: Yeah, I'm not sure that's the look you want to go for.
Me: A nose ring?
Jen: Don't think you can pull that off.
Me: Cool. I'll probably get that belly ring then. So do you know anyone who doesn't have a prom date?
Jen: Hmm. Have you asked "Disturbed" Suzy?
Me: I never got why they called her "Disturbed" Suzy.
Disturbed Suzie stabs a pencil in my neck.
Me: I get it now.
Jen: I think she likes you.

The newest unofficial national holiday

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 18:50:07 -0600

Me: Dude, I'm so high right now. 4/20!!!!!
Him: Dude, it's 4/21.
Me: I'm soooooo hiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh right now.
Him: Ok cool, but you should know it's not 4/20. It's Saturday, April 21st.
Me: 4/20?
Him: No, Lee. It's not.
Me: I'm not really high.
Him: I know, man.
Me: Drugs scare me.
Him: Yeah, I remember, because you called the cops on me when I tried to take a Tylenol.
Me: I think I saved your life.
Him: You didn't. You stopped me from getting rid of my headache though.
Me: I mean, drugs don't scare me! I love weed! That's my shit!
Him: Lee, you don't have to try to act like you enjoy weed anymore. It's the day after. You're in the clear.
Me: Oh. Ok.
Him: Yeah, so calm down.
Me: I wish 4/20 were when everyone got together and ate froyo.
Him: 4/21 is an option for that.
Me: 4/21! When everyone eats froyo in defiance of the law! FUCK THE MAN.
Him: I'm not sure it's illega...
Me: JUST TRY AND STOP ME FROM EATING CHOCOLATE SPRINKLES, PIGS.
Him: If everyone's a rebel, then no one is.
Me: LET'S GO TO PINKBERRYYYYYYYYYYY.