Sharing Time!

Ain't no party like a bee party cuz a bee party interrupts baseball games

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 21:15:00 -0400

“A bee keeper was brought in to remove a chair containing a ballgirl’s jacket which had accumulated, according to Padres officials, a couple thousand bees.”

(via mlb.com)

I know reporters are supposed to write in an unbiased matter and not express surprise about how many bees are in a ballgirl’s jacket, but COME ON.

I’d write that sentence like this: “A bee keeper was brought in to remove a chair containing a ballgirl’s jacket which had accumulated, you’re never going to fucking believe this, A COUPLE THOUSAND GODDAMN BEES. Yes. You read that right. This ballgirl had her jacket on and then it’s like BLAM, BEE PARTY ALL UP IN HER SHIT. They don’t pay those girls enough. If she has a nice rack, I’d encourage her to work at Hooters. I mean, they tip well and the worse that can happen is some old dude grazes his hand on your ass. You know, as opposed to being SWARMED BY A THOUSAND FUCKING BEES.”

Portraits of Awesomeness: The Lonely Island and E-40's "Santana DVX"

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 17:58:38 -0400

Portraits of Awesomeness: The Lonely Island and E-40's "Santana DVX": Nathan Rabin of the AV Club breaks down why The Lonely Island’s song “Santana DVX” is so gosh darn funny. I’ve listened to this song an embarrassing amount of times. Glad to know I’m not alone.

Tick tock.

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 12:45:00 -0400

I’m working so hard on this half-day that I should be given 4 additional hours of vacation time for cramming so much work into a 4 hour period. In fact, time just bent inside of itself and thus created a new form of measurement for time called tyme.

But seriously, isn’t it funny how time was invented by people and that half-days are pointless?

Next Jonas Brothers song: "I'm Tappin That Ass and My Two Bros Ain't"

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 11:41:00 -0400

Kevin Jonas [of the Jonas Brothers] surprised his girlfriend Danielle Deleasa by showing up at her doorstep in New Jersey early Wednesday morning and dropping down to his knee to ask her to marry him.

(People via Vulture)

Please note that Kevin Jonas is a 21 year old virgin. Do you see how sad this is? His need to experience sexual pleasure is so great he’s willing TO GET MARRIED. At 21.

Oy.

This is very subtle discrimination against the blind and the...

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 11:26:00 -0400

This is very subtle discrimination against the blind and the bald.

Oh, he's magical alright

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 16:50:23 -0400

Years ago, I had an ex-girlfriend who didn’t mind if her dogs in the room when we were fucking. I was ok with that, even though I thought it was a little weird.

But my girlfriend now says she can’t even get off without Cats in the room. Yeah, it’s capitalized for a reason. She has to have a member of the Original Broadway Cast of Cats in full cat makeup watching us. It creeps me out.

She has multiple orgasms if I can get Mister Mistoffelees.

There's an important lesson here, kids. If at first you don't get arrested, drink, drink again.

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 15:45:31 -0400

Dude on bus: I just got out of county jail. I was in there for twelve days.
Dude next to him: Why?
Dude on bus: Had 12 open container tickets I never paid. I don't blame em for locking me up.

Fight or don't. It takes us all.

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 13:24:35 -0400

I’ve never been one to read any book that could possibly...

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 13:02:13 -0400

I’ve never been one to read any book that could possibly help me at my job. I didn’t even think this was one of those books. I just wanted to convince my friends and family to do possibly illegal things on my behalf. And this book has given me the tools. I am unstoppable now.

One thing that really struck me about the research conducted in the book is that changing one or two words in a request to someone can make a huge difference in the answer you get. Like, in some of the studies they conducted it made a 40-50% difference.

People are dumb.

Why not to be your "friends" with your parents on Netflix

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 11:31:11 -0400

I guess it was a shortsighted move to let my parents “friend” me on Netflix. Now they can see all the movies I rent. Here are the last five:

Gran Torino (ok, totally normal)
Secretary (Maggie Gyllenhaal’s in it and she’s mainstream, so maybe they’ll overlook the fact that it’s super kinky)
The Fucking List (a charming parody of the popular movie ‘The Bucket List’ starring Cock Nicholson and Morgan Hugeman as they bone their way through a senior citizens home; I’ll just convince them that it’s a comedy and that they don’t get comedies aimed at a younger generation)
This Is Definitely a Porn and Not a Film, You’re Not Fooling Anyone, Jewboy 34: What You Watch When You Only Want to Watch Porn (ok, I’m having a hard time trying to explain that one away)
A Home-Video Of Lee And His Ex-Girlfriend Fucking That Is Only Available Through Netflix (yes, I licensed a sex tape I made when I dated Karolina Kurkova; here’s a picture of us together that’s SFW)

www.LaughYourDickOff.com

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 21:42:58 -0400

www.LaughYourDickOff.com:

celebzaredum:

This is amazing. I don’t even have a dick and I STILL just laughed it off.

azizisbored:

Visit the official homepage of RAAAAAAAANDY, my character from Funny People.

Check out the soundboard, learn about Randy’s passion for helping Darfur, and more!

Jason Woliner and I also created a whole video series/documentary about Randy that will debut on the site in some form in the coming weeks.

“That ain’t a cheeseburger, that’s my diiiiiiiiick!” deserves to be a catchphrase.

“The proposed ‘Oklahoma Citizen’s Proclamation for Morality’ would blame the...

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 17:34:36 -0400

“The proposed ‘Oklahoma Citizen’s Proclamation for Morality’ would blame the economic crisis on moral collapse.

[here’s the resolution…]

WHEREAS, we believe our economic woes are consequences of our greater national moral crisis; and

WHEREAS, this nation has become a world leader in promoting abortion,
pornography, same sex marriage, sex trafficking, divorce, illegitimate births, child abuse, and many other forms of debauchery”

(Washington Independent via HuffPo)

Friend: Lee, what’re you doing Saturday night?

Me: Dude, I don’t know. I was thinking I might go out and get divorced, have an illegitimate birth, beat a child. Or I could stay home and watch porn. Whatever, it’s all the same. I tried to get a same sex marriage, but it turns out you have to be gay for that.

I wish the Oklahoma Proclamation for Morality was more specific in what it meant by “other forms of debauchery” so I could do that stuff too :(

"Over fifteen years ago, Duracell failed to renew its trademark in the US, which allowed its..."

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:09:58 -0400

“Over fifteen years ago, Duracell failed to renew its trademark in the US, which allowed its competitor, Energizer, to swoop in and trademark its own pink, alkaline-powered drumming bunny in an effort to mock the Duracell campaign and claim its products’ superiority. This is why, these days, North American TV viewers are accustomed to seeing their bunnies running on Energizer, whereas it’s Duracell for those in the rest of the world.”

- from Yes! 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to Be Persuasive

When I was overseas a few years back, I bought a pack of Duracells and saw the Energizer bunny on it. I thought it was funny that the shady company making knockoff batteries didn’t know which company had the bunny. Little did I know…

Blogging: when your cats finally tire of your opinions.

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 14:59:45 -0400

I killed my sworn enemy, but first I made sure he was an organ donor. I had been legally blind since...

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:47:09 -0400

I killed my sworn enemy, but first I made sure he was an organ donor. I had been legally blind since two. Now that he was dead, well, someone had to use his eyes, right? Why not me?

I spend my days staring at the sun.

I think I still come out ahead

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 12:15:00 -0400

Things I have stolen from work:

pens
pencils
a computer
paper
Splenda packets
space heater
coffee

Things work has stolen from me:

my will to live
the best years of my life

Out today! You’ll buy it if you know what’s good for...

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 11:12:36 -0400

Out today! You’ll buy it if you know what’s good for you.

(Rabbit) Fur Coat

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 10:52:52 -0400

Let me preface this post with the following: I love Jenny Lewis. She’s an amazing musician, has a beautiful voice and I would be happy to sleep with her if granted express written consent from my girlfriend (and Major League Baseball, just to be sure).

That said, do not ever, ever, ever watch her perform in high-def. It pains me to say this: she has a beard to rival Zach Galifianakis.

Jenny, if you read this… call me?

wheniwascruel: Clem Snide- No One’s More Happy Than You Why...

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 20:44:43 -0400

wheniwascruel:

Clem Snide- No One’s More Happy Than You

Why that’s the easiest auto-reblog in the universe.

Even the sky’s feelin blue

Get some brain

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 17:21:25 -0400

In almost every porn ever, there’s a point in the scene where the girl is about to say something really filthy, but her mouth and her brain aren’t on the same page. The result is that what she says makes no sense.

“Yeah, put that dick right there on my… brain. Yeah… right, that’s right. Don’t stop rubbing my… elbows. Tits.”

You can just hear the gears turning in her drug-addled mind. Instead, I propose the ladies should blurt out a random fact when they can’t get a hold of the right word, which would go a much longer way in covering up a faux pas.

“Yeah, put that dick right there on my… brain… did you see that 60 Minutes piece on fMRI brain scans where doctors can actually see what you’re thinking? Neuroscience sure has come a long way. Yeah, I said come.”

As proven, it also opens the door to beautiful segues.